Jersey sucks. It really, really sucks.

Jersey sucks. It really, really sucks.

February 3, 2009, 7:24 pm
Filed under: Jersey sucks

(That title should be sung to the tune of “Water sucks…” from the Adam Sandler classic, Waterboy.)

It’s a simple fact of life: New Jersey is the armpit of the America. You can ask anyone and they’ll tell you that that is how it is, how it’s always been and how it will always remain. And hell, if Urban Dictionary says it (the previous link), then it has to be true, right?

Now someone out there in the blogosphere has tried to dispute this fact and claim that being from the state means retaining one’s loyalty. While that does make some sense, said person also left Jersey, which might raise an eyebrow or two.

Let’s face it folks, Jersey sucks. No question. And after spending 21 years of my life as a Pennsylvania resident – better yet as a northeastern Pennsylvania resident, thus merely an hour away from the state line – I classify myself pretty knowledgeable about New Jersey’s shortcomings.

And so, tt’s time for some bullet-style NJ-bashing:

1. The NJ Parkway is the main means of getting through the state, but you have to pay to use it. You also must dish out the dollars to cross a few bridges … even if you make a wrong turn – likely because of the state’s ridiculously confusing roadways (see #2) – and are merely crossing the bridge only to turn around and come back across. Bastards then make you pay twice.
2. What is with all the right turns? If I’m traveling down a roadway and my desired destination is to the left, I have to make a right, go over a bridge and turn back onto the same roadway I WAS ALREADY ON, then turn right into my stopping point. Ridiculous.
3. It smells. Go ahead, tell me I’m wrong, but once you hit the PA/NJ border, you’ll smell it, too. It’s this unclassifiable stench that you sadly become accustomed to after 15 minutes because the entire state is emitting the same stank.
4. As a child, day trips to the Jersey shore weren’t uncommon. It was, after all, the closest beach. But it’s disgusting. I don’t think I’ve ventured into the New Jersey waters since I was old enough to know better. Perhaps the stink is the result of some wicked bacteria along the NJ coast that causes the water to turn brown. Just a thought, but I could be on to something.
5. Seaside Heights once looked rather appealing when MTV relocated to the beach for summer programming. Let me be the first – or not – to tell you it’s the worst beach in America. The boardwalk is filled with shady individuals that leave you wondering if you’ll be raped or pillaged while trying to win a giant stuffed dog. And while the food is decent – it’s a boardwalk, of course it is – the bathrooms are a place you should avoid at all costs. I can recall one summer day my father dragged my brother and I to Seaside against our will and I didn’t pee for 21 hours because there was no way I’d go into a bathroom along that shabby boardwalk. No thanks. (And no, I did not piss my pants, amazingly.)
6. Perhaps some people like not having to pump their own gas, but I’d rather do it myself. That way if gasoline ends up dripping down my vehicle, it’s my own damn fault. What exactly is the reasoning for attendants having to pump a customer’s gas? I don’t get it. But it makes me feel inept and I’m not a fan of that.
7. Oh, did I mention the number of Jersey natives I encountered at Penn State who had no idea whatsoever how to pump their own gas once they left their home state? It was many more than just a handful, and for anyone who drives a vehicle requiring gasoline, I’m pretty certain learning how to pump it yourself could come in handy. If the friggin’ state didn’t make it illegal to pump one’s own gas, maybe the residents would have a clue what they are doing when traveling elsewhere.
8. Atlantic City is, undoubtedly, a great place to gamble if you’re stuck on the East Coast. However, the streets are lined with hookers – illegal, helllllooo! – and homeless people. The AC Boardwalk has significantly plummetted in both value and appeal at least throughout my lifetime. And somehow the seas are even more revolting that the waters at Seaside Heights.
9. Camden. Enough said.

If that’s not enough reasoning, think about this: New Jersey technically has two NFL teams within their boundaries, and yet both use “New York” in their name – the Giants and Jets both play in East Rutherford, NJ. That has to tell you something, doesn’t it?

As far as I’m concerned, only a few great things came out of New Jersey: Frank Sinatra, Kelly Ripa (what!? I’m a fan…), Monopoly, college football (Rutgers University is considered “The Birthplace of College Football”) and this fantastic diner just outside the Holland Tunnel in Jersey City. Sadly, that’s probably about it.

I grew up with a strong distaste for the neighboring state to the east, and honestly, I don’t see that disappearing anytime soon. I have plenty of friends from Jersey and love them dearly – I never said I had anything against the people, just the state itself. But as a Pennsylvanian, I’m of the strong opinion that we should just blow up New Jersey – let the residents leave first, of course, I’m not a complete sadist – and give PA a beach.

Who’s with me!?

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